2002-08-14
slipping

I'm sooooo feed up. I think I'm slipping again. Back in to insecurity and obsessiveness. It's getting out of control and I don't know if I can live like this much longer.

People I'm back to binge eating and puking up. Man, this is getting really fucked up again.

I look at all those models and actress and I think, PERFECT! Those women are perfect (Sarah Jessica Parker, Iman and Naomi Campbell being the ones that I love the most.).

Imagine spending the whole time thinking about the way you look, how people look at you, what to eat, what not to eat, how many days can you not eat, when's the next time you can visit the gym, can you push yourself for another 30 minutes on the running machine, an extra 100 crunches won't do me any harm.

That, my friends, is all that I can think about. A minute o f pleasure (food) turns into days of guilt, sadness, frustration and anger, how could I be so fucking weak!

Imagine planning your every move and wondering if anyone suspects anything, do the notice that your behavior is changing? Are they watching you?

And the silly thing is, is that strangely, after spending 30 minutes in the bathroom doing my thing I feel really proud of myself.... 4 hours at the gym I feel fucking great!

May be on that point I should carry on?

But it’s pretty fucked up having to think about it all of the time.

yesterday - foreverdiv>