September 06, 2002
I'm so depressed!

Sigh. I feel so depressed and worthless right now. I think I’m gonna cry!

I know I talk about Ben all the time, I guess it's because I adore him and I'm totally infatuated by him.

I've always had this constant feeling that I'm more into him than he into me, but I would try and ignore that and try and get on with things. People would say well he obviously likes you a lot, but.....

I know before me Ben had a really serious relationship with this other girl (who still has no name) they were engaged but she fucked him around and pretty much hurt his bank balance as they had a house together and he was paying the mortgage, but she locked him out and she didn't have a job and he was paying it all. So I know that there's an element of distrust with him. He's said to me a few times that I have to look out for myself (which I know about and I do, I don't relay on anybody) but he said it in a way that he would not be prepared to support me... not that I want him to or anything but the way he said it had me thinking a few times.

I'm the kinda girl who likes to know where I stand with people. I've never really gotten that from Ben. It's not that I need it in writing or whatever, but sometimes I wanna know which direction our relationship is going.

I send him messages saying good morning sweetie and similar ones at night, I always tell him that I adore him and I enjoy spending time with him.

I totally understand that he has a new job and that he's totally stressed about it, and I realize that I can't spend as much time as I'd like to with him. There's nothing that I can do about that. I don't have a problem with it.

Everyday I tell him that I'm thinking about him and stuff. At least giving him an indication of how I really feel about him.

I nothing gets said to me in return.

I can't make him feel something towards me that I want but he doesn't (does that make sense?)But Like I said I like to know where I stand.

I dunno. One of my best mates says, in fact several of my friends say that I deserve better... and If what she means is taking me out and buying me stuff, then I don't want it, It's not what I expect from a relationship at all. I don't really go for that kinda stuff.

I took two of my friends to the restaurant last night and we had a good time, I had a few drinks and I start to feel all that I am feeling right now....

I phoned Ben about an hour ago to say thank you, but I noticed that he wasn't in the mood for talking, so it was a really short conversation. I sent him a message asking him if I had said or done anything to annoy him. Apparently I hadn't but he didn't want me getting heavy on him and he wanted me to chill and we would we would talk later...

And do you know what? I do want to talk about this, but the last thing I wanna do is freak him out or making a total arse of myself by saying that I feel something isn't even there...

I'll see how the weekend goes....

Would I be going to far to say that I love him? Because I do. I don't think it. I know it. Ah well...

yesterday - foreverdiv>